Loss and Redemption

I had coffee with an old and beautiful friend yesterday that I hadn't seen in 9 months. Naturally the conversation turned to loss, tragedy, and corruption. I guess it's appropriate, a week from today is the only holiday on the Christian calendar that I mark, Rememberance Day.

We talked about how our histories change us, our surrounding create what we are. My dear friend, whom I haven't seen in ages, has suffered a terrible loss in the past 100 days, and my coffee shop analysis has told me that she's growing into herself, the person I met yesterday is a lot more comfortable with herself than the person I met 9 months ago.

Is that direct result of tragedy, I don't know. I do know that tragedy and loss have made me what I am, sadly, it's numbed me to the point where I neither feel highs nor lows. My empathy is still there, and I know that people prefer the company of a joker, rather than a sorrowful soul. Many people who know me, know that when I appear to be laughing and joking, know that's not the real me, that's the facade. When I'm comfortable, when I'm myself, the voice drops to a mumble, and the eyes become sad. Unfortunately, this guy isn't much fun to hang out with, and friendships tend to be a revolving door for me. Don't get me started on romantic relationships, many women attracted to "happy go lucky" Chris will be sadly disappointed when they get home and find this morose, sorrowful character.

Sadness and grey saturate this skull, not by choice, but by experience. There is a joy deep in here somewhere, it does try to sneak out. I do celebrate beauty, I do enjoy a good laugh now and then. Unfortunately, a morose and sad person isn't much fun to hang out with, which creates a perpetual cycle. A few days ago, I posted a song by Daniel Lanois, "the unbreakable chain" which gives me pause for optimism, someday, I'll meet someone who wants to crack this crust I've built around myself and will break the unbreakable chain.

When that happens, this blog will be for all intents dead.