There's an old quote from Alice Wonderland, "I try to believe 6 impossible things before breakfast". Apparently my variation on that is, "rip my heart out 6 ways before coffee".

Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Not sure why I do these things to myself.

Wandering the streets in the rain this morning was an opportunity for self exploration, I have to change things, I just don't know where to begin.

The coils of my brain are wound up so tight these days.

Your correspondent is in desperate need of a vacation. Alas, not until the last third of December will I be able to take any time off.

What will I do with myself, not sure yet, probably little to nothing as there is noone to share the time off with.

My muse is absent from my life right now, perhaps that's what is making me hold back at the moment, there's lots to write, I'm just guarded as to writing it.

This is a precarious position to be in, a mind crackling with ideas, sans an outlet to express them.

Truth is, not sure my muse even reads this random scribbling, so perhaps the best thing to do is to allow the words to gush forth and let them fall where they may.

I need to ponder these circumstances.....

In the Northern Hemisphere at least, November is the worst month. It's dark, wet and cold. Some people don't like February, but to me, in February there is light at the end of the tunnel, November is the beginning of the gloom.

I grew to really hate November when I lived in Whistler.

Some interesting thoughts coming over the news burner this morning. In Monday's Izvestia magazine an analyst has predicted the break up of the United States.

I've had the feeling we're on the cusp of history for awhile, one those world changing eras, that people don't realize they're in, until it's over.

I was okay until about three weeks ago.

A wound was ripped open and since then I've been unable to concentrate, can't sleep, and my digestion is a mess.

I'm going to have to head out today to a convention where I'm required to be all sunshine and happiness, this is easier said than done. I skipped a work related dinner, I knew I wouldn't be able to sit through an entire meal turned "on" At least in the trade show I can disappear into the crowd, same as the conferences.

Not sure what needs to happen to get me back on track, this has happened before, and I'm pretty sure this feeling of emotional vertigo will happen again, just something that has to happen I suppose

my return

Going to try to return to this blog, I find it cathartic to write here, and to be honest things were going pretty well, so there was no angst to share, or so I thought.

The past year has been an emotional roller coaster, my first year in a management position in over a decade. Trying to balance my personal life with my work life, can only be described as an absolute failure. My need to depressurize after work led me to neglect some very important people in my life. To be honest, after work, I needed to exercise the body, and then shut off the brain.

Being metaphysical, I did share thoughts in a written journal, and in my head that was enough to satisfy other people, even though they didn't know what I was writing in the journal, in my head, I just assumed they knew.

This philosophical neglect cost me a very important relationship. I'm not good with long distance relationships, never have been, probably never will.

My emotional distance, is only amplified by physical distance, and I make the assumption that others know about this, this is my loss, and has cost me in the past, and I'll wager it will cost me in the future.

Maybe I was just too busy to notice, and now that things have calmed down, I've come to the realization that perhaps I am lonely, the scary thing is, loneliness feels...comfortable.

Perhaps it's the wrong word, perhaps solitude is the word I'm looking for.