A week of taking stock it would appear is in order. Thinking about a lot of things, a lot of people.

A weird moment this past weekend, an old acquaintance's birthday popped up on my Facebook "reminder" list. Went to her page to post a birthday message to someone to be honest with you I hadn't really made a tremendous effort to stay in touch with.

Going through the old posts on her page, there was a recurring them "miss you so much" "can't believe you're gone" etc. I then realized, my friend had died a year ago, and I had no idea.

She was a young woman, only 33 when she died, I don't know the circumstances, and that's not really relevant.

I've had a tumultous week.

The week was supposed to start with a concert I've been looking forward to for about 3 months now. The Blind Boys of Alabama and Ruthie Foster. However, my companion for this concert bailed out on me with less than an hour to spare. Needless to say, not wanting to go to a concert myself I didn't go. In and of itself, that's okay, things happen I can accept that. However, this is the second time the same person has bailed out on me at a concert at the last minute. I'm not struggling for money by any circumstances, and given the current economic climate, I count my blessings every day that I'm not wanting for anything. But $300 is a lot of money to spend sitting at home watching television.

This same person seems to get stressed out because of a perceived pressure I've put on her. I don't think I've done this, but apparently I have. In emotions, the perception is the reality, there are no clearly defined behaviours when it comes to emotional tumult. It's sad for me, this is a person I admire, and I truly do like. However I'm being made to feel that my presence is an inconvenience. That's not something I want to be.

I'm keeping the door open to friendship, which is really all I ever wanted in the first place.

The interesting thing about this blog for me right now, it's been neglected for so long, that it's not really read by anyone.

I recently pointed it out to someone, and I know she read it last weekend, now whether or not that will continue is another matter. I suspect there is only so much existential angst that one person can take.

The biggest roadblock to regular installments of this self therapy, has been the lack of a muse. I've attempted to enlist certain souls into that task, but I haven't had much luck in finding someone who gets this heart to beat a little faster.

That is until recently. A familiar character has reentered my life in recent months, and biology is complicating issues. I'm incredibly attracted to this individual, however she has made it plain to me, that there is reciprocal attraction. Well, I better I'm the first person in history to ever have this happen to them. For those who cannot sense it, due to my inferior narrative skills, the previous sentence should be read as dripping with sarcasm.

So, what do I do? Do I shove those feelings to the side, and pretend they never happened? Do I deprive myself, and the object of my affection of a mutual friendship because of my selfishness? Do I hope these feelings will pass? Or do I take inspiration from hundreds of years of romantic literature and continue the pursuit, suffering inner agony every time she goes off on a relationship, and tells me about it? By doing the latter, do I blind myself to other courtship opportunities?

Here's another interesting dilemma, knowing full well that this blog has been discovered by this individual, am I abdicating responsibility for that decision, by making her aware of my inner conflict. Is exposing myself like this emotionally a brave, or cowardly act?

Maybe it's the pessimist in me asserting it's ugly head. 2009 has started off better for me than most years in recent memory, going back to 2000 when the house burned down.

I have this uneasy feeling that things are going to turn ugly. I'm not sure I deserve to be a happy person. The worst part of this, thinking this way eventually turns into a self fulfilling prophecy.

A good night last night, better than I've had in a long time.

We all need a cause, the more lost the cause, the better. One of the strangest things about being a human, we need to have a goal, something to strive for.

I'm not normally a fan of Nietzsche, but there is a passage of his that resonates with me "the only cause worth fighting for is a lost cause, all others are merely effects". I heard this for the first time when I was about 10, and it's stuck with me for nearly 30 years.

It's easy to wrap yourself up in a feel good cause "I'm opposed to child pornography" or "I'm opposed to clubbing baby seals". The causes I find interesting are the ones that are ignored, the causes that when people find out I'm interested in them, make people cock their eyebrow and say "really?".

I found myself in the minority in those dark days after 9/11 advocating personal privacy rights, however as the abuses became apparent, more people jumped on that cause. The damage was done however.

Prisoner rights interest me, as do freedom of expression causes. The second in particular is a mercurial one, a knee jerk reaction is "so am I". However, believing in freedom of expression is an all or nothing proposition. I'm as left wing as they come, but do I have the gumption to protest along side Neo Nazis in order to protect their freedom to express themselves?

2009 has been good to me so far.