A week of taking stock it would appear is in order. Thinking about a lot of things, a lot of people.

A weird moment this past weekend, an old acquaintance's birthday popped up on my Facebook "reminder" list. Went to her page to post a birthday message to someone to be honest with you I hadn't really made a tremendous effort to stay in touch with.

Going through the old posts on her page, there was a recurring them "miss you so much" "can't believe you're gone" etc. I then realized, my friend had died a year ago, and I had no idea.

She was a young woman, only 33 when she died, I don't know the circumstances, and that's not really relevant.

I've had a tumultous week.

The week was supposed to start with a concert I've been looking forward to for about 3 months now. The Blind Boys of Alabama and Ruthie Foster. However, my companion for this concert bailed out on me with less than an hour to spare. Needless to say, not wanting to go to a concert myself I didn't go. In and of itself, that's okay, things happen I can accept that. However, this is the second time the same person has bailed out on me at a concert at the last minute. I'm not struggling for money by any circumstances, and given the current economic climate, I count my blessings every day that I'm not wanting for anything. But $300 is a lot of money to spend sitting at home watching television.

This same person seems to get stressed out because of a perceived pressure I've put on her. I don't think I've done this, but apparently I have. In emotions, the perception is the reality, there are no clearly defined behaviours when it comes to emotional tumult. It's sad for me, this is a person I admire, and I truly do like. However I'm being made to feel that my presence is an inconvenience. That's not something I want to be.

I'm keeping the door open to friendship, which is really all I ever wanted in the first place.

The interesting thing about this blog for me right now, it's been neglected for so long, that it's not really read by anyone.

I recently pointed it out to someone, and I know she read it last weekend, now whether or not that will continue is another matter. I suspect there is only so much existential angst that one person can take.

The biggest roadblock to regular installments of this self therapy, has been the lack of a muse. I've attempted to enlist certain souls into that task, but I haven't had much luck in finding someone who gets this heart to beat a little faster.

That is until recently. A familiar character has reentered my life in recent months, and biology is complicating issues. I'm incredibly attracted to this individual, however she has made it plain to me, that there is reciprocal attraction. Well, I better I'm the first person in history to ever have this happen to them. For those who cannot sense it, due to my inferior narrative skills, the previous sentence should be read as dripping with sarcasm.

So, what do I do? Do I shove those feelings to the side, and pretend they never happened? Do I deprive myself, and the object of my affection of a mutual friendship because of my selfishness? Do I hope these feelings will pass? Or do I take inspiration from hundreds of years of romantic literature and continue the pursuit, suffering inner agony every time she goes off on a relationship, and tells me about it? By doing the latter, do I blind myself to other courtship opportunities?

Here's another interesting dilemma, knowing full well that this blog has been discovered by this individual, am I abdicating responsibility for that decision, by making her aware of my inner conflict. Is exposing myself like this emotionally a brave, or cowardly act?

Maybe it's the pessimist in me asserting it's ugly head. 2009 has started off better for me than most years in recent memory, going back to 2000 when the house burned down.

I have this uneasy feeling that things are going to turn ugly. I'm not sure I deserve to be a happy person. The worst part of this, thinking this way eventually turns into a self fulfilling prophecy.

A good night last night, better than I've had in a long time.

We all need a cause, the more lost the cause, the better. One of the strangest things about being a human, we need to have a goal, something to strive for.

I'm not normally a fan of Nietzsche, but there is a passage of his that resonates with me "the only cause worth fighting for is a lost cause, all others are merely effects". I heard this for the first time when I was about 10, and it's stuck with me for nearly 30 years.

It's easy to wrap yourself up in a feel good cause "I'm opposed to child pornography" or "I'm opposed to clubbing baby seals". The causes I find interesting are the ones that are ignored, the causes that when people find out I'm interested in them, make people cock their eyebrow and say "really?".

I found myself in the minority in those dark days after 9/11 advocating personal privacy rights, however as the abuses became apparent, more people jumped on that cause. The damage was done however.

Prisoner rights interest me, as do freedom of expression causes. The second in particular is a mercurial one, a knee jerk reaction is "so am I". However, believing in freedom of expression is an all or nothing proposition. I'm as left wing as they come, but do I have the gumption to protest along side Neo Nazis in order to protect their freedom to express themselves?

2009 has been good to me so far.

Been haunted by strange dreams about my own health the past few days. I think these are just manifestations of my own self doubt, my own need for someone to pay attention to my concerns.

Of course, my own circle of friends has had it's own medical problems, two strokes, brushes with cancer, and most recently a miscarriage.

The dream last night was so profound it woke me up, heart pounding. I'll move on.

Love sucks don't it?

Trying to do the good thing, I really am.

Recently every time I see someone's name or photo, it's like getting kicked in the stomach. Am I the immature one? I don't want to feel this way.

I have a whole bunch of problems with what's been happening politically in Ottawa the past week.

First, none of the political parties, with the exception of the Bloc Quebecois have been honest about their intentions or motivations.

Let's start with the conservatives. When you're elected with a minority government, you're expected to govern with a spirit of compromise. Governing with an iron fist and pushing through legislation that you know is going to antagonize the opposition is a recipe for chaos. Harper is a smart man, you can't tell me he didn't have a single inkling that this was going to happen.

The Liberals and the NDP, they blew it, plain and simple. What should have happened, a no confidence vote should have been put before the house, and THEN the coalition should have been negotiated. Putting the cart before the house, in addition to being a very old metaphor is an apt way of describing this.

Both sides are running to and fro proclaiming their championing of democracy. It's hypocritical on all sides. The conservatives can't be champions of democracy AND deny members an opportunity to vote. It's failed logic, "we're saving the process by shutting it down". The Liberals and NDP are not champions either, strutting and preening like peacocks, being dishonest about terms of this coalition and blushing in a pollyana way that they merely want to save the Canadian people.

For the next two months, we're going to have huffing and puffing on the magic boxes until the inevitable vote comes down on the 26th or 27th. I would put dollars to donuts that the budget that does come down will have tax cuts galore, the government will fall, the tories will campaign on this promise of tax cuts, and win a majority, because the Liberals will have a dearth of leadership. I have an old saw about the tories, they think we're all whores, they're just trying to figure out our price.

There's an old quote from Alice Wonderland, "I try to believe 6 impossible things before breakfast". Apparently my variation on that is, "rip my heart out 6 ways before coffee".

Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Not sure why I do these things to myself.

Wandering the streets in the rain this morning was an opportunity for self exploration, I have to change things, I just don't know where to begin.

The coils of my brain are wound up so tight these days.

Your correspondent is in desperate need of a vacation. Alas, not until the last third of December will I be able to take any time off.

What will I do with myself, not sure yet, probably little to nothing as there is noone to share the time off with.

My muse is absent from my life right now, perhaps that's what is making me hold back at the moment, there's lots to write, I'm just guarded as to writing it.

This is a precarious position to be in, a mind crackling with ideas, sans an outlet to express them.

Truth is, not sure my muse even reads this random scribbling, so perhaps the best thing to do is to allow the words to gush forth and let them fall where they may.

I need to ponder these circumstances.....

In the Northern Hemisphere at least, November is the worst month. It's dark, wet and cold. Some people don't like February, but to me, in February there is light at the end of the tunnel, November is the beginning of the gloom.

I grew to really hate November when I lived in Whistler.

Some interesting thoughts coming over the news burner this morning. In Monday's Izvestia magazine an analyst has predicted the break up of the United States.

I've had the feeling we're on the cusp of history for awhile, one those world changing eras, that people don't realize they're in, until it's over.

I was okay until about three weeks ago.

A wound was ripped open and since then I've been unable to concentrate, can't sleep, and my digestion is a mess.

I'm going to have to head out today to a convention where I'm required to be all sunshine and happiness, this is easier said than done. I skipped a work related dinner, I knew I wouldn't be able to sit through an entire meal turned "on" At least in the trade show I can disappear into the crowd, same as the conferences.

Not sure what needs to happen to get me back on track, this has happened before, and I'm pretty sure this feeling of emotional vertigo will happen again, just something that has to happen I suppose

my return

Going to try to return to this blog, I find it cathartic to write here, and to be honest things were going pretty well, so there was no angst to share, or so I thought.

The past year has been an emotional roller coaster, my first year in a management position in over a decade. Trying to balance my personal life with my work life, can only be described as an absolute failure. My need to depressurize after work led me to neglect some very important people in my life. To be honest, after work, I needed to exercise the body, and then shut off the brain.

Being metaphysical, I did share thoughts in a written journal, and in my head that was enough to satisfy other people, even though they didn't know what I was writing in the journal, in my head, I just assumed they knew.

This philosophical neglect cost me a very important relationship. I'm not good with long distance relationships, never have been, probably never will.

My emotional distance, is only amplified by physical distance, and I make the assumption that others know about this, this is my loss, and has cost me in the past, and I'll wager it will cost me in the future.

Maybe I was just too busy to notice, and now that things have calmed down, I've come to the realization that perhaps I am lonely, the scary thing is, loneliness feels...comfortable.

Perhaps it's the wrong word, perhaps solitude is the word I'm looking for.

Balance is ideal. It drives me nuts when I see ignorance and apathy. Selfishness makes me blind with a furious anger.

I'm a difficult person to get along with, I know that.

It takes two to heal a broken heart

All life is prologue to death, and what comes after. Pondering the imponderable, one wonders what effect one's life will have on the future. The egotist in me considers the river of time to be made up of drops, each as important as the other, remove one drop and the coherency of the whole thing falls apart. The insecure imp in me, ponders that time as a river, is merely a rushing torrent, the absence of one drop will not be noticed.

Was Martin Luther King essential to the civil rights movement, or was he inevitable? Had the cause progressed to the point, where the masses were ready to gather and listen to the first, powerful, eloquent voice that came along.

Or was he an anomaly, that galvanised a movement and forced it to achieve goals that it previously dreamed impossible. Is history merely the recording of inevitablity, or is a record of dramatic changes?

Everything that has gone before is prologue

There are definable chapters in one's life, I'm approaching the end of one chapter, and the beginning of another.

23 days from now, the end of book 1 of my life will approach, unlike most superior narratives, I'm going to be leaving an interesting plot line unresolved. My current place of employment is currently in the middle of a full scale meltdown. It's kind of an interesting place to be in, standing at the side, watching things tumble apart, but knowing that it doesn't really affect me, and at the same time being an active participant.

My body is a cage

Our lives are made up of coincidences, the right place, the right time, the right person at the right time, catching the glimpse of someone at the precise moment. Reading a book, hearing a thought at precisely the right moment to influence our thinking.

Is this kismet? Predestination, or simply a marvelous tapestry that weaved around us in splendid isolation of our own wishes.

Some of us meet our match at a very young age, some of us don't meet that person until much later in life. Some of us meet our match when the other has made a misjudgment and met another, whom they thought was their match. Or perhaps it was an arrangement of convenience, or tradition dictated the choice.

Some people believe that matches are designed, that love is an inevitable. I'm much more romantic than that, I believe that love is a lightning bolt that strikes you, a moment of clarity. I also think it's possible that there can be multiple moments of clarity, some believe in one true life partner, I'm a believer that these true moments of clarity show us what we need at that moment of our spiritual evolution.

For about 8 years now, one of my favourite movie gossip websites was Ain't it Cool News.

Alas, after today I shall not return to that website. Evidently, the site was having a joke contest, and one of the jokes was racist, in both it's language, and perpetuation of stereotypes.

Saddens me when this happens, a website that supposed to be fun, has become a breeding ground for hate.

This has been a mixed week for your correspondent, a hand pump went into the air when Jerry Falwell died alone in his office. Rare someone comes along who perpetuates hate like him. His god was a nasty creature, who wanted people to conform to his narrow standards of morality. He corrupted the teachings of Jesus to forward a political agenda that sought to put large portions of the US population under a jackboot. But now he's dead and the world is a much brighter place with his absence.

It's been awhile since I've talked to the moon

Actually it's been awhile since I've had a heart to heart with anyone. I've come to a conclusion that in many decades when this tired body finally does give up the fight, my funeral will be attended by many friends and relatives, but alas, no widow.

Perhaps it's the recent birthday, but I'm confronting my own mortality a lot lately. This used to be a tragic thought, now it's a confrontation of the inevitable.

This older soul has come to the grim realization that solitude is best for my endless contemplation. In my youth I imagined a wife I could travel through life with. However, that seems to have been a pipe dream, evidently I'm difficult to get along with.

It all seems so absurd

My soul and heart have been through a wringer the past few months. This is why I haven't written, sometimes self examination needs to take place in private.

Pondering the slow return of spring always makes me contemplative, the beating rain, the warming air, the return of the sun as a familiar friend. The recharging of the soul that comes with the sounds and smells of rebirth.

However this rebirth tends to make me sad as well, makes me realize the size of my empty bed at night, no one to share the sounds of the birds that awaken me each morning.

Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of an eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time. - Albert Camus

Haven't felt like sending dispatches from the bunker for awhile now.

I've been doing my spiritual confrontation within for the past few weeks. Whether this is healthier, or unhealthier, I'm sure is a matter for debate. Internally, the struggle between the heart and the head continues to rage on.

Political chaos is connected with the decay of language... one can probably bring about some improvement by starting at the verbal end.

George Orwell

I'm not really a fan of any US president, I can't think of any of them in my lifetime deserving of more than just passing respect for the position they hold.

I'm hard pressed to think of a president who did more good than harm to the world. Is there truly a president who left office leaving things better than when he started?

The true work of art is but a shadow of the divine perfection.

Michelangelo

Been on a bit of a John Lennon kick lately, we just passed his 66th birthday, by all rights the man should have been with us for another 20 years, but a stupid piece of metal, arced a path of death through his body.

The echo of everything that is alive

St. Valentine's day is an unusual day, why do we need a day to remind each other that we love each other? Shouldn't these things be natural, and in a perfect society Valentines day would be redundant. Same thoughts occur to me around Christmas, why do we have all sorts of commercials that tell us that it's natural to be kind?

Watching the drizzle come down this morning, the day draped in grey, many thoughts are dancing through the soft matter between my ears, none of them comforting.

One wonders about balance, for every pickton, we have a mandela. For every Hitler, we have a Ghandi.

I have to wonder about the news, for the past 6 days, the obsession has been about a buxom blonde who has sadly died before she reached old age.

I have to think about the future, what does the future hold?

Everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground

In most communities it is illegal to cry "fire" in a crowded assembly. Should it not be considered serious international misconduct to manufacture a general war scare in an effort to achieve local political aims? - Dwight D Eisenhower

It's been awhile since I've posted, not sure why, just haven't had the right motivation I guess to sit down and hammer away at the keys.

Weird music is spinning on the music box today, not weird, per se, but unusual for me, Henry Mancini is the music du jour.

Remember when you were small and everyone seemed so tall?

Life is what happens when you are making other plans. - John Lennon

Been cast into an introspective mood lately, pondering kindness, compassion, and karmic retribution lately.

Your correspondent is a study in dualities. I'm a deeply cynical individual, who is also a big believer in the power of kindness. I just don't see enough of it.

We need a lot more kindness in this world, a lot more compassion. People wouldn't need to escape into drug addled, or alcohol hazed worlds, if we had lot more kindness around.

Hope is the thing with feathers / That perches in the soul, / And sings the tune without the words, / And never stops at all - Emily Dickinson