Been haunted by strange dreams about my own health the past few days. I think these are just manifestations of my own self doubt, my own need for someone to pay attention to my concerns.

Of course, my own circle of friends has had it's own medical problems, two strokes, brushes with cancer, and most recently a miscarriage.

The dream last night was so profound it woke me up, heart pounding. I'll move on.

Love sucks don't it?

Trying to do the good thing, I really am.

Recently every time I see someone's name or photo, it's like getting kicked in the stomach. Am I the immature one? I don't want to feel this way.

I have a whole bunch of problems with what's been happening politically in Ottawa the past week.

First, none of the political parties, with the exception of the Bloc Quebecois have been honest about their intentions or motivations.

Let's start with the conservatives. When you're elected with a minority government, you're expected to govern with a spirit of compromise. Governing with an iron fist and pushing through legislation that you know is going to antagonize the opposition is a recipe for chaos. Harper is a smart man, you can't tell me he didn't have a single inkling that this was going to happen.

The Liberals and the NDP, they blew it, plain and simple. What should have happened, a no confidence vote should have been put before the house, and THEN the coalition should have been negotiated. Putting the cart before the house, in addition to being a very old metaphor is an apt way of describing this.

Both sides are running to and fro proclaiming their championing of democracy. It's hypocritical on all sides. The conservatives can't be champions of democracy AND deny members an opportunity to vote. It's failed logic, "we're saving the process by shutting it down". The Liberals and NDP are not champions either, strutting and preening like peacocks, being dishonest about terms of this coalition and blushing in a pollyana way that they merely want to save the Canadian people.

For the next two months, we're going to have huffing and puffing on the magic boxes until the inevitable vote comes down on the 26th or 27th. I would put dollars to donuts that the budget that does come down will have tax cuts galore, the government will fall, the tories will campaign on this promise of tax cuts, and win a majority, because the Liberals will have a dearth of leadership. I have an old saw about the tories, they think we're all whores, they're just trying to figure out our price.

There's an old quote from Alice Wonderland, "I try to believe 6 impossible things before breakfast". Apparently my variation on that is, "rip my heart out 6 ways before coffee".

Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Not sure why I do these things to myself.

Wandering the streets in the rain this morning was an opportunity for self exploration, I have to change things, I just don't know where to begin.

The coils of my brain are wound up so tight these days.

Your correspondent is in desperate need of a vacation. Alas, not until the last third of December will I be able to take any time off.

What will I do with myself, not sure yet, probably little to nothing as there is noone to share the time off with.

My muse is absent from my life right now, perhaps that's what is making me hold back at the moment, there's lots to write, I'm just guarded as to writing it.

This is a precarious position to be in, a mind crackling with ideas, sans an outlet to express them.

Truth is, not sure my muse even reads this random scribbling, so perhaps the best thing to do is to allow the words to gush forth and let them fall where they may.

I need to ponder these circumstances.....

In the Northern Hemisphere at least, November is the worst month. It's dark, wet and cold. Some people don't like February, but to me, in February there is light at the end of the tunnel, November is the beginning of the gloom.

I grew to really hate November when I lived in Whistler.

Some interesting thoughts coming over the news burner this morning. In Monday's Izvestia magazine an analyst has predicted the break up of the United States.

I've had the feeling we're on the cusp of history for awhile, one those world changing eras, that people don't realize they're in, until it's over.

I was okay until about three weeks ago.

A wound was ripped open and since then I've been unable to concentrate, can't sleep, and my digestion is a mess.

I'm going to have to head out today to a convention where I'm required to be all sunshine and happiness, this is easier said than done. I skipped a work related dinner, I knew I wouldn't be able to sit through an entire meal turned "on" At least in the trade show I can disappear into the crowd, same as the conferences.

Not sure what needs to happen to get me back on track, this has happened before, and I'm pretty sure this feeling of emotional vertigo will happen again, just something that has to happen I suppose

my return

Going to try to return to this blog, I find it cathartic to write here, and to be honest things were going pretty well, so there was no angst to share, or so I thought.

The past year has been an emotional roller coaster, my first year in a management position in over a decade. Trying to balance my personal life with my work life, can only be described as an absolute failure. My need to depressurize after work led me to neglect some very important people in my life. To be honest, after work, I needed to exercise the body, and then shut off the brain.

Being metaphysical, I did share thoughts in a written journal, and in my head that was enough to satisfy other people, even though they didn't know what I was writing in the journal, in my head, I just assumed they knew.

This philosophical neglect cost me a very important relationship. I'm not good with long distance relationships, never have been, probably never will.

My emotional distance, is only amplified by physical distance, and I make the assumption that others know about this, this is my loss, and has cost me in the past, and I'll wager it will cost me in the future.

Maybe I was just too busy to notice, and now that things have calmed down, I've come to the realization that perhaps I am lonely, the scary thing is, loneliness feels...comfortable.

Perhaps it's the wrong word, perhaps solitude is the word I'm looking for.