my agony is your triumph

Things are eerily calm in the bunker, the awaited snowstorm never happened. Listening to Bowie on the music box this morning I'm having a moment of clarity, emotional clarity. They don't come often, but when they do there is a calm that washes over me much like the feeling you get when you figure out a murder mystery.

The unfortunate part of this is that this emotional clarity requires me to cut myself off from some people I've only recently made the acquaintance of. In my past I've had the misfortune of being involved with a person who was quite cruel to me. I vowed at the end of that relationships not to allow myself to be put in that position again.

So before things get carried away, or I make any sort of emotional investment I'm walking away now. Relationships are said to be risks, maybe I'm gun shy, who knows, but I'm not getting burned again.

The past 31/2 years have been extremely therapeutic for me, having spent most of my twenties and early thirties involved in relationships, I've been enjoying a certain emotional solitude. I've truly discovered my own voice in the past 3 years, a voice which has been quiet since my teens. Recent events, difficult as they may have been have helped me to achieve the state of emotional "zen" I'm at right now.

There are aspects of my personality which are quite unpleasant, in order to enjoy a relationship I must submerge those aspects of myself, for the convenience of my partner. However submerging those aspects kill a part of me. For a long time I've had to "play dumb" in order to not be intimidating. This is what I've been told anyway, well fuck that. I like Haydn, I like ragtime music, I like the poems of TS eliot, I can read Dante, and enjoy him. I read Chomsky, Aristotle and Plato and take away things from it. I like the films of Wim Wenders. That being said, I also like batman, I hate sports, most pop music, and I don't watch sitcoms. I enjoy watching the legislature, and I spend hours a day reading foreign newspapers. This is who I am, my days of putting those things under wraps are over.