Regrets, I have a few

There was a brief period for the past few days, where I almost felt okay, it's over, I'm deep in the grip of the Fear again.

Right now, Sunday morning in my bed is a woman, I vowed 4 years ago this coming february would never be be in my bed again. Last night, after work, sitting on the couch enjoying a tasty bowl of soup, the phone rings. An emergency, a crisis of biblical proportions, would I help? Like a sap, I said yes. Turns out this crisis, this cataclysm. this unprecendented tragedy was poor planning on my ex's part and she missed her ride back to Whistler, would I, help out? Sitting on the couch, talking, reminiscing, all judgement went out the window and parts of my body that should not be making important decisions took over the reasoning process. This morning as I sit, waiting for the feeds to burn, I'm filled with regret, coupled with a feeling of being used. I haven't heard from this person in two years, she's made no effort to stay in touch with me, and to be honest her cruelty towards me all those years ago gave me no impetus to stay in touch with her. However, one phone call and I'm wrapped around her finger again. I could feel the reasoning process running out the window last night as I talked on the phone.

Now, this morning as the coffee sinks in, I'm feeling, not just a twinge of regret, but a body spasm. I know my morning routine is going to be disrupted because of her, and when she does leave, she has no intention of phoning me, or staying in touch again, perhaps that's a good thing because she was without a doubt one of the cruelest individuals I know. Absolutely no interest in my life, I can write this about her in here, I know she'll never make any effort to read it. Unless it has something to do with snowboarding, jet skiing, or Cleopatra, she's not interested.

However, this is the weird thing. Apparently despite an absence from my life for 4 years, I'm apparently subject to her every whim. How does a man who has moved on from that point in his life still get drawn back to an unpleasant point in his life beyond his control? Do I suffer from the male equivalent of what used to be called the Cinderella complex? Will this be a pattern the rest of my life, returning and seeking out women who are bad for me?

This raises the interesting question, what woman is good for me? I'm an extremely unpleasant person to be around, the bunker is filled with reminders of horrors committed by man, and my life is a quest of seeing out wrongs to right. How can life be pleasant when success is measured in terms of finding tragedies? This is the contradiction in my life, I'm not happy unless I have a cause, the more horrific the better. My eternal optimism is shaded by a desire to cloud it with tragedy. A woman who would be able to put up with that, is not necessarily someone who will be of a positive outlook. I need someone who will literally take me by the hair, pull me away from the feeds and the news and tell me to "enjoy yourself damnit, rest for a moment".

Rest does not come easy to this weary head however, time not on the quest is seen as wasted time. This is why I barely sleep, I wake up feeling guilty. I cannot remember the last I woke up feeling refreshed, feeling good. Women I am attracted to make me feel good because they bring a sense of calm to my life. However the women who seem attracted to my life seem to bring nothing but chaos. My idea of a perfect night is someone falling asleep with their head on my chest, stroking their hair while I drift off to sleep behind them, it's not a sexual thing. However, the imagination as charged as mine, brings a libido which has to be sated as well. A vivid sexual imagination has to be fed once in awhile, and while that was sated last night, this morning I'm an emotional wreck.