There's an old quote from Alice Wonderland, "I try to believe 6 impossible things before breakfast". Apparently my variation on that is, "rip my heart out 6 ways before coffee".

Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Not sure why I do these things to myself.

Wandering the streets in the rain this morning was an opportunity for self exploration, I have to change things, I just don't know where to begin.

The coils of my brain are wound up so tight these days.

Your correspondent is in desperate need of a vacation. Alas, not until the last third of December will I be able to take any time off.

What will I do with myself, not sure yet, probably little to nothing as there is noone to share the time off with.

My muse is absent from my life right now, perhaps that's what is making me hold back at the moment, there's lots to write, I'm just guarded as to writing it.

This is a precarious position to be in, a mind crackling with ideas, sans an outlet to express them.

Truth is, not sure my muse even reads this random scribbling, so perhaps the best thing to do is to allow the words to gush forth and let them fall where they may.

I need to ponder these circumstances.....

In the Northern Hemisphere at least, November is the worst month. It's dark, wet and cold. Some people don't like February, but to me, in February there is light at the end of the tunnel, November is the beginning of the gloom.

I grew to really hate November when I lived in Whistler.

Some interesting thoughts coming over the news burner this morning. In Monday's Izvestia magazine an analyst has predicted the break up of the United States.

I've had the feeling we're on the cusp of history for awhile, one those world changing eras, that people don't realize they're in, until it's over.

I was okay until about three weeks ago.

A wound was ripped open and since then I've been unable to concentrate, can't sleep, and my digestion is a mess.

I'm going to have to head out today to a convention where I'm required to be all sunshine and happiness, this is easier said than done. I skipped a work related dinner, I knew I wouldn't be able to sit through an entire meal turned "on" At least in the trade show I can disappear into the crowd, same as the conferences.

Not sure what needs to happen to get me back on track, this has happened before, and I'm pretty sure this feeling of emotional vertigo will happen again, just something that has to happen I suppose

my return

Going to try to return to this blog, I find it cathartic to write here, and to be honest things were going pretty well, so there was no angst to share, or so I thought.

The past year has been an emotional roller coaster, my first year in a management position in over a decade. Trying to balance my personal life with my work life, can only be described as an absolute failure. My need to depressurize after work led me to neglect some very important people in my life. To be honest, after work, I needed to exercise the body, and then shut off the brain.

Being metaphysical, I did share thoughts in a written journal, and in my head that was enough to satisfy other people, even though they didn't know what I was writing in the journal, in my head, I just assumed they knew.

This philosophical neglect cost me a very important relationship. I'm not good with long distance relationships, never have been, probably never will.

My emotional distance, is only amplified by physical distance, and I make the assumption that others know about this, this is my loss, and has cost me in the past, and I'll wager it will cost me in the future.

Maybe I was just too busy to notice, and now that things have calmed down, I've come to the realization that perhaps I am lonely, the scary thing is, loneliness feels...comfortable.

Perhaps it's the wrong word, perhaps solitude is the word I'm looking for.

Balance is ideal. It drives me nuts when I see ignorance and apathy. Selfishness makes me blind with a furious anger.

I'm a difficult person to get along with, I know that.

It takes two to heal a broken heart

All life is prologue to death, and what comes after. Pondering the imponderable, one wonders what effect one's life will have on the future. The egotist in me considers the river of time to be made up of drops, each as important as the other, remove one drop and the coherency of the whole thing falls apart. The insecure imp in me, ponders that time as a river, is merely a rushing torrent, the absence of one drop will not be noticed.

Was Martin Luther King essential to the civil rights movement, or was he inevitable? Had the cause progressed to the point, where the masses were ready to gather and listen to the first, powerful, eloquent voice that came along.

Or was he an anomaly, that galvanised a movement and forced it to achieve goals that it previously dreamed impossible. Is history merely the recording of inevitablity, or is a record of dramatic changes?

Everything that has gone before is prologue

There are definable chapters in one's life, I'm approaching the end of one chapter, and the beginning of another.

23 days from now, the end of book 1 of my life will approach, unlike most superior narratives, I'm going to be leaving an interesting plot line unresolved. My current place of employment is currently in the middle of a full scale meltdown. It's kind of an interesting place to be in, standing at the side, watching things tumble apart, but knowing that it doesn't really affect me, and at the same time being an active participant.

My body is a cage

Our lives are made up of coincidences, the right place, the right time, the right person at the right time, catching the glimpse of someone at the precise moment. Reading a book, hearing a thought at precisely the right moment to influence our thinking.

Is this kismet? Predestination, or simply a marvelous tapestry that weaved around us in splendid isolation of our own wishes.

Some of us meet our match at a very young age, some of us don't meet that person until much later in life. Some of us meet our match when the other has made a misjudgment and met another, whom they thought was their match. Or perhaps it was an arrangement of convenience, or tradition dictated the choice.

Some people believe that matches are designed, that love is an inevitable. I'm much more romantic than that, I believe that love is a lightning bolt that strikes you, a moment of clarity. I also think it's possible that there can be multiple moments of clarity, some believe in one true life partner, I'm a believer that these true moments of clarity show us what we need at that moment of our spiritual evolution.

For about 8 years now, one of my favourite movie gossip websites was Ain't it Cool News.

Alas, after today I shall not return to that website. Evidently, the site was having a joke contest, and one of the jokes was racist, in both it's language, and perpetuation of stereotypes.

Saddens me when this happens, a website that supposed to be fun, has become a breeding ground for hate.

This has been a mixed week for your correspondent, a hand pump went into the air when Jerry Falwell died alone in his office. Rare someone comes along who perpetuates hate like him. His god was a nasty creature, who wanted people to conform to his narrow standards of morality. He corrupted the teachings of Jesus to forward a political agenda that sought to put large portions of the US population under a jackboot. But now he's dead and the world is a much brighter place with his absence.

It's been awhile since I've talked to the moon

Actually it's been awhile since I've had a heart to heart with anyone. I've come to a conclusion that in many decades when this tired body finally does give up the fight, my funeral will be attended by many friends and relatives, but alas, no widow.

Perhaps it's the recent birthday, but I'm confronting my own mortality a lot lately. This used to be a tragic thought, now it's a confrontation of the inevitable.

This older soul has come to the grim realization that solitude is best for my endless contemplation. In my youth I imagined a wife I could travel through life with. However, that seems to have been a pipe dream, evidently I'm difficult to get along with.

It all seems so absurd

My soul and heart have been through a wringer the past few months. This is why I haven't written, sometimes self examination needs to take place in private.

Pondering the slow return of spring always makes me contemplative, the beating rain, the warming air, the return of the sun as a familiar friend. The recharging of the soul that comes with the sounds and smells of rebirth.

However this rebirth tends to make me sad as well, makes me realize the size of my empty bed at night, no one to share the sounds of the birds that awaken me each morning.

Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of an eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time. - Albert Camus

Haven't felt like sending dispatches from the bunker for awhile now.

I've been doing my spiritual confrontation within for the past few weeks. Whether this is healthier, or unhealthier, I'm sure is a matter for debate. Internally, the struggle between the heart and the head continues to rage on.

Political chaos is connected with the decay of language... one can probably bring about some improvement by starting at the verbal end.

George Orwell

I'm not really a fan of any US president, I can't think of any of them in my lifetime deserving of more than just passing respect for the position they hold.

I'm hard pressed to think of a president who did more good than harm to the world. Is there truly a president who left office leaving things better than when he started?

The true work of art is but a shadow of the divine perfection.

Michelangelo

Been on a bit of a John Lennon kick lately, we just passed his 66th birthday, by all rights the man should have been with us for another 20 years, but a stupid piece of metal, arced a path of death through his body.

The echo of everything that is alive

St. Valentine's day is an unusual day, why do we need a day to remind each other that we love each other? Shouldn't these things be natural, and in a perfect society Valentines day would be redundant. Same thoughts occur to me around Christmas, why do we have all sorts of commercials that tell us that it's natural to be kind?

Watching the drizzle come down this morning, the day draped in grey, many thoughts are dancing through the soft matter between my ears, none of them comforting.

One wonders about balance, for every pickton, we have a mandela. For every Hitler, we have a Ghandi.

I have to wonder about the news, for the past 6 days, the obsession has been about a buxom blonde who has sadly died before she reached old age.

I have to think about the future, what does the future hold?

Everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground

In most communities it is illegal to cry "fire" in a crowded assembly. Should it not be considered serious international misconduct to manufacture a general war scare in an effort to achieve local political aims? - Dwight D Eisenhower

It's been awhile since I've posted, not sure why, just haven't had the right motivation I guess to sit down and hammer away at the keys.

Weird music is spinning on the music box today, not weird, per se, but unusual for me, Henry Mancini is the music du jour.

Remember when you were small and everyone seemed so tall?

Life is what happens when you are making other plans. - John Lennon

Been cast into an introspective mood lately, pondering kindness, compassion, and karmic retribution lately.

Your correspondent is a study in dualities. I'm a deeply cynical individual, who is also a big believer in the power of kindness. I just don't see enough of it.

We need a lot more kindness in this world, a lot more compassion. People wouldn't need to escape into drug addled, or alcohol hazed worlds, if we had lot more kindness around.