Sleep

I don't so much fall asleep every night as I collapse from exhaustion. For some reason in the past 6 years or so, sleep has become a necessary evil, not something I enjoy. Things are not productive when I sleep. I wake up behind the game, news going on around the world, things happening correspondence not being answered, jobs being lost. It's frustrating, I used to really enjoy sleep, in my twenties, I could sleep forever, lounge around in bed, reading, staring out the window. Now, however, it's become something to be dreaded. Even when I'm not working, I feel the need for cultural stimulation, there's music to be listened, movies to be watched, books to be read. When did my life become this information sponge? Perhaps it's guilt. I talk to people on a daily basis who share different cultural influences than me, I want to find out what shapes them. Perhaps I'm trying to find something I enjoy, ay, there's the rub. So few things in my life bring me genuine enjoyment, bring a smile to my face, that I'm trying to find the one thing in my life that can make me smile without fail. There are people in my life that make me smile, however they are few and far between.

I've been lucky, in my life I've met a number of people who are genuinely decent people, people who are kind, thoughtful and compassionate. However in 36 years, these people have numbered less than a half dozen, and unfortunately, none of them have been romantic interests. Perhaps it's part of my personality, but I seem to attract people in my life who end up being filled in some way with hate, manifested in some sort of bigotry, a self loathing, a cruel streak, or a dispassion for those less fortunate. Is it too much to ask to date someone who is intelligent, kind, and thoughtful?

This blog has become very introspective of late, a new generation, different than the savage journal which I kept up for years. Many of the people involved with that project died. I thought it best to let the journal pass onto the ether with them. This "strolling around lost lagoon" has become something...different, a cathartic process for me. Maybe it's the years catching up to me.

This sort of ennui can be daunting, a wall put up between myself and people I do want to get close to.

There is one person in my life, someone who makes me feel a little bit lighter a little bit less pulled down. Sadly, it's a one way thought, the circumstances are such that it will never be more than a one way attraction. I realize that, but I just hope the person knows that for the few moments I spend with them, my world is a little bit less heavy, that by not doing anything but being visible to me she makes the ground that I trod upon a little bit softer.